...is singing with anxiety

I have been singing for as long as I can remember. We have numerous video recordings of a little Mathilde singing solos in church at christmas, or little Mathilde singing with the Lucia chorus at school. I've always loved it, and it's been a way for me to escape reality. Because when I sing, I'm not in this world, I'm somewhere else and my soul is free and happy. This might sound very strange to you, but I don't really know how to explain it in any other way. It's like flying.

After High School, I spent one year at a folk school, and then two and a half years at an American college. I studied music at both schools, and the last two years I had voice as my primary instrument. I had a very torn relationship to studying music. It was hard work, and I had to spend a lot of time in the practice rooms. I made lists on what I needed to practice and how often, I even used a timer to keep track of how long I had been practicing. But I learned SO much, and I got really good at it. It was still my way of escaping "real life".

Coming back to Sweden two years ago was a choice I made in order to go to opera school in Stockholm. However, what I forgot to add to that equation was life. Life happened, and I was very depressed. I moved to Stockholm to be closer to my voice teacher, but I never practiced. I still (almost) never practice. 

It has nothing to do with the love I have for singing, because I still love it. I have just kept myself busy doing other things, like making money to be able to pay rent, watched countless tv-shows, read books and spent time with friends. I do all those things to run away from reality, to escape into a world that is imaginary and better than the real one. It's a substitute for my singing world, but it's not as good as the world in which I'm flying away. I've had this feeling of restlessness for such a long time now, and I think I know why.

It's taken me a long time to realize this, that singing is what fulfills me. I can try to pretend that binge watching a tv-show is relaxing and a lovely way of hiding from reality, but the only way for me to truly relax and escape into my own bubble is to sing. 

What I have learned from this is: In order for me to feel good in this world, I have to maintain my own little private singing world. I have to force myself to practice on days when I'm not feeling my best, I have to keep searching for other great musicians that will inspire me. This summer my goal is to expand my repertoire so I can pick out songs to sing at the audition in february 2016. My hope is that I will be able to challenge myself, and to force myself into that singing world I love so much. Because like I said earlier, singing makes me feel at peace, and that's so important in this world we live in.